


Bittersweet Angel

by Keluturtle



Category: South Park
Genre: Guardian Angel AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2018-05-07 15:14:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5461049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keluturtle/pseuds/Keluturtle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He supposed he saw it coming from the time he first laid eyes on the twitchy blonde. He could taste it on his lips like the first time he sampled the dark chocolate mocha at Harbucks. It was bittersweet. And he couldn't tell if he liked it or not. Creek AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He supposed he saw it coming from the time he first laid eyes on the twitchy blonde. He could taste it on his lips like the first time he sampled the dark chocolate mocha at Harbucks. It was bittersweet. And he couldn't tell if he liked it or not.

When God came to him in all of Their angelic cat-like-hippo-like-whatever-like etherealness, and told him he had a new client, he was too naïve to realize the deep consequences it would come with.

He was a guardian angel by nature. Where other guardians failed, he had a perfect record—much to his co-workers astonishment. They weren't jealous, just surprised due to his usual bored and uncaring countenance. But Craig cared for all of his clients. Everyone should have a good guardian angel by their side…

…As long as it was on a strict work schedule, of course (including lunch breaks and vacation days.)

But this was different. Tweek broke his schedule. He did  _working lunches_ now. Sure, Craig would occasionally do a handful of those for his previous clients when it was necessary, but this was on a whole new level.

He couldn't tear himself away from the blonde.

And now he was in too deep.

\----

"Tweek, don't forget your coffee, hun!"

"Thanks, Mom, " he murmured, grabbing the thermos and taking a large gulp. Grabbing his backpack, he headed out the front door and closed it with a soft click.

Tweek walked down to the bus stop, the chilly air gusting past him and reddening his cheeks and nose.

He hoped he didn't catch a cold. Oh God, what if he caught a cold? It could develop into pneumonia or worse!

The thoughts went on and on.

" _Wow. This kid sure is a piece of work, "_ Craig wondered aloud. Humans couldn't hear him anyway, so why not?

" _They sure do know how to pick 'em, huh?"_  He floated around the kid silently and with intrigue. He could sense the paranoia and inner struggle he was facing without hearing the exact thoughts themselves.

" _It's only 7:30 in the morning, kid. Calm down,"_ he whispered, lifting a hand and patting his head softly.

As if by magic, Tweek relaxed slightly and his jitters slowed themselves.

" _Ah well. Can't be perfect every time,"_ Craig shrugged. He was sure the kid just needed some guidance and angelic persuasion and he would get back to being on the right track.

He wasn't sure what to do about the caffeine addiction though. He'd have to talk to God about that one.

The bus arrived shortly after and Craig followed Tweek on, taking the empty seat next to him.

They stopped a few more times before rolling up to the school. Tweek twitched violently as he exited the bus, causing him to almost fall on top of Clyde.

"Woah, dude, you alright?" Token asked, concerned for the jittery boy.

"Yeah—ngh—I just… need more coffee, " He explained before he took another large gulp of the coffee.

"Alright, if you say so. Have a good day Tweek," Token patted Tweek's shoulder before joining Clyde, elbowing him jokingly.

" _Yeah, it's gonna take a miracle for this kid to have a good day,"_ Craig mused,  _"Or some angelic interference."_

He cracked his knuckles and followed Tweek inside the building, prepared for the worst.

\-----

He was glad he was, as the inner demons and thoughts seemed to never stop. He had to cut his lunch break short or else he was afraid the paranoia coming from the small blonde would overwhelm him and he'd have a breakdown.

Why did he hang out with that mean child and his friends? Eric Cartman or something like that. Surely, that kid couldn't be good for Tweek's composure.

The other three were… alright. But he didn't like the trouble they got up to, even during school.

The catastrophe continued even after school and Craig was starting to feel  _tired_  after fighting off all these demons.

He finally got a break as Tweek arrived home and headed up to his room, grabbing a mug of coffee from his mom on the way.

" _You don't like to make this easy on me, do you?"_  Craig mused, floating over Tweek. Tweek was currently doing some asinine homework assignment. Ugh High School…

This was Tweek's first year and from Craig's documents on the kid, it seemed he was barely keeping a C average. He didn't care too much about that; but if school stressed the kid out this much, he should probably try to help.

When Tweek finally fell into a fitful sleep did Craig take a break, sitting next to him on the bed.

" _Have sweet dreams, kiddo."_


	2. Chapter 2

The next couple weeks passed in a similar manner, and Craig was surprised that he didn't mind looking out for the kid on his off hours too. Overtime wasn't too big of a deal for him, but he tried to avoid it when he could.

But, looking after Tweek was like looking after a small, frightened child—a small… fourteen-year-old child. He got himself into trouble unknowingly that Craig had to scrape him out of again and again.

Sure, it had been less than a month that Craig had started looking after the teen, but it felt much shorter. Every day he spent with Tweek went by in a flash, even though he felt incredibly exhausted after fighting off the demons that plagued Tweek daily.

But, Tweek seemed to be improving slightly. Even with the stress from his family and 'friends,' Tweek was calmer and less prone to anxiety attacks.

Craig was able to focus more on getting to know Tweek, besides just fighting off his demons.

For example, Tweek was really creative. He loved to build things out of Legos (when he wasn't fidgeting enough that he could actually get the pieces to stick together) or even sit down to write stories about fantasy and science fiction.

Craig was quite surprised at how well Tweek could write stories; especially considering English Literature was one of his worst subjects in school. Maybe it had to do with his focus issues or maybe he just got bored with the class and decided not to try.

But it wasn't that Tweek wasn't bright or anything like that, he just sort of couldn't do… school.

Tweek would break under pressure on tests, which didn't really surprise him considering the teen's tendency to overreact to the littlest things.

Craig thought that things would continue on a steadily improving incline with his help, but it seemed all of his work was to be wasted when Stan and friends decided to bring Tweek on one of their 'adventures' again.

It may have been an accident, but he had never had to use his angelic powers more to protect the kid. If he hadn't, then it was very possible Tweek could have  _died_.

The bullets spraying from the mobsters were enough to mutilate a man twice over. Which happened to that Kenny kid, but he was a special case, Craig knew—he would be back the next day unscathed from the whole ordeal.

But Tweek wasn't an exception, and Craig was not about to have a failed client on his hands for the first time ever.

He had to get that kid away from this other guys. It could not be healthy the amount of demons that appeared in Tweek's dreams the following week after. It was a miracle (thanks to his truly) that he didn't suffer a mental breakdown.

He had to have a talk with God.

\-----

"What brings you back here, my angel? Is everything not alright with your client?" They inquired, their tail swishing back and forth, calmly.

"Well, that's the problem. Without my interference, Tweek would be dead where he stands right now. You said yourself that it was not his time, so there has to be a way to keep him out of harm's way without having to drain all my energy, " Craig explained, frustrated.

"There is no other way it can be done. You know the rules when it comes to physical intervention."

"I understand that, but surely there has to be an exception. This kid can't lead a healthy life with everything he has to go through. Those other kids are toxic to him. There's no way I can help him if they don't get separated," Craig growled, close to tearing his hair out (just like Tweek).

"Well… there is one exception. You must become… grounded," They yawned, already knowing Craig's answer.

"Well yeah, but, then I would be able to do any less! How would that help? Being a human, I would be defenseless. I couldn't protect myself, let alone Tweek."

"You want to help him through a physical intervention. As an angel you cannot be seen on the mortal plane except through visions. And those are for the elite only. By being human, you could become his… friend."

"I'll… think about it," Craig conceded with a sigh.

Returning to the daily routine of fighting off demons wasn't too much trouble, but Craig couldn't help but to consider God's offer.

Especially during school or away from home, Craig noticed more and more that this kid needed a genuine friend; someone who would look out for him, instead of putting him into harm's way whenever they felt like it.

But it was finally the last straw when Tweek went home crying after a falling out with his friend group. He officially had no one to turn to, then.

" _Alright, I'll do it,"_ Craig sighed.

He would become a human for Tweek.


	3. Chapter 3

Becoming human was the easy part, the coagulation of molecules to make himself corporeal in exchange for his holy powers. It was a give and take situation.

The Mormons in the town, after receiving a vision from the archangel, were more than happy to take him in. And, while he enjoyed his battle clothes, the Mormons insisted that he should try and blend in better. Donning a blue parka and his signature hat was the most they could convince him to change.

He was sent a package the following day, filled with documents that ‘proved’ his existence, including a very convincing birth certificate under the name of Craig Tucker.

With these new documents, he was quickly enrolled into South Park High. From there, would begin the hard part. Making friends. Helping Tweek.

Talking to Tweek.

He was starting to have doubts he could manage without his angelic powers. And, while, the process of returning as an angel was a little harder than the reverse, it seemed like a good escape.

Goodness, was he really thinking of going back after being a human for two days?

No, he had to see this through. For Tweek’s sake as his guardian…. human?

Sure. Guardian human.

\------

 

His first day of school was a disaster.

He thought he didn’t like that Cartman kid before, he certainly didn’t like him now.

After being constantly insulted and teased for being the new kid, he was ready to break one of the rules and swear at him. He didn’t know how he resisted the urge.

It was even worse when he didn’t have anyone to sit with at lunch. He was tempted to reach out to Tweek already but… he was sitting by Cartman and his posse. He would wait to cross that bridge another time.

He ended up sitting alone and almost gagging on the school food.

After school seemed to be a little better. He went looking for potential friends at Stark’s Pond, putting on some borrowed ice skates and eavesdropping on conversations from the other teens.

Eventually, he heard a conversation that offered him a chance.

“Yeah, I heard it was great! My dad wouldn’t let me go since we had school today, but I really wanna see it now that it’s Friday.”

“Yeah, my parents weren’t exactly wanting to go out that night. They said the movie theater would be too crowded. You know how they are with crowds.”

“Yeah I getcha. We should get some people to go together so we don’t have to worry about parents. I think they have like a 6 pm showing? I think Kevin would be interested.”

“Yeah, but he’s a Star Trek and Star Wars nut. He probably already saw it.”

“Yeah that’s what I’m saying. He’d probably want to see it again.”

“Yeah that’s true.”

Before the two could continue, Craig skated up to them.

“I heard the movie was pretty good, actually. I wouldn’t mind seeing it,” Craig internally winced, it wasn’t the greatest way to invite himself to see the movie but it was direct and that was what mattered.

“Oh hey new kid,” the shorter one answered, “Yeah, we were just wondering who to invite. If we could get a big group that would be great.”

“Hm… you’re not planning on inviting Cartman are you?” Craig asked, wearily.

“Pfft, hell no? I mean, why would I want him around?”

“Yeah, but if you invite even Stan, Kyle, or Kenny, Cartman is bound to invite himself anyway,” the other butted in.

“Oh yeah…” He seemed torn, and bit his lip, looking down.

Craig cleared his throat, “I’m, uh, Craig by the way.”

“Oh yeah!” The short brunette seemed to perk up, “I’m Clyde. This is Token,” he jabbed his thumb in the other’s direction.

“I can introduce myself, dude,” Token complained subtly.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Clyde dismissed. Token rolled his eyes in reply.

“So who are you going to invite then?” Craig questioned.  
“Well, I guess you, since you were wanting to come,” Token teased. Craig flushed and looked away, embarrassed.

“Yeah, yeah,” Craig huffed. Token and Clyde laughed.

“I’m just teasing, Craig, you seem cool. You can come along, if you want to,” Token shrugged good-naturedly.

“Cool.”

“And then, maybe Kevin if he wants to see it again,” Clyde continued, “Jason, Jimmy, Timmy, Bradley (I guess), Scott Malkinson, Tweek, um…”

Craig seemed to perk up at the mention of Tweek, to which Token noticed, but chose not to comment. Clyde continued naming off names, obliviously.

“…and I guess that’s it?” Clyde finished, shrugging.

“You would name off Kevin first you nerd,” Token elbowed Clyde and grinned.

“Hey, hey! He’s cool man. Don’t judge,” Clyde whined.

“Yeah, yeah, sure. Just don’t go frenching him in front of me. I may be cool with your gay crush, but I don’t want that in my face.”

“Hey!” Clyde elbowed Token roughly, his face flushed. Token just laughed.

“So we’ll see for 6? New k— Craig?” Token asked, still laughing.

“Yeah, sounds good,” Craig nodded. He skated off, not keen on butting into whatever inside joke that Clyde and Token were going into.

6 o’clock. He would see Tweek in person for the first time. Maybe even talk to him?

He had to pace himself though.

6 o’clock.


	4. Chapter 4

It was a long wait for Craig, who spent most of the time pacing the home of the Mormon’s or, when asked why he was so nervous, deciding to take walk around South Park.

The chilly mountain air was something Craig was still not used to, in his human form. Being an angel meant that you could not physically feel anything in the mortal plane. And, now that he was corporeal, he was not sure he could get used to the stinging coldness of Colorado.

Or the tiredness that he felt from it—he certainly hoped his human immune system wasn’t catching hypothermia. Scurrying into the closest shop, just to be sure, he instantly felt warmth come over him. And the smell of coffee.

Oh no.

Looking around the store, he noticed a few people still lounging around and sipping their heavily caffeinated beverages. Maybe they wouldn’t notice if he left as suddenly as he came in—

“Welcome to Harbucks!”

Well that foiled that plan. Glancing towards the man who greeted him (he recognized him as Tweek’s father), he nodded his head and decided to walk towards the front counter. He might as well try some of the coffee here. He was tired anyway, and he wanted to stay awake during the movie, if only to possibly talk to Tweek afterwards.

“What can I get for you, young man?” Mr. Tweak asked him, pulling a slip from the counter.

“Um… what do you recommend?” Craig answered. He had never had coffee before, though he had smelt it in the mornings at school when Tweek came in with his usual thermos full.

“Well, we have a lot of choices. Do you prefer something sweet or bitter?”

“Um…” Craig muttered, intelligently “…Is there anything in between?”

“Well, sure, how about the dark chocolate mocha? Hot of course, for this cold weather. Served fresh, fresh like the—” He seemed to want to say more, but a cough from the back stopped him “—right. Anyway, that would be the best choice if you’re looking for something in the middle.”

“…Sure.”

“Alright then! What size?”

Ordering a medium, Craig pulled out the necessary money and took a step back from the counter after paying.

“Tweek! We need a dark chocolate mocha—medium please!”

And of course Tweek had to be the one to make it for him.

This could be an opportunity for him though, he decided. It was almost time for the movie, so Tweek had to be getting off duty soon.

He could walk him there.

The twitchy blonde soon came out of the back and set to work on his order. Taking a seat near the counter, Craig watched him work. Even though Tweek was still shaky, he certainly was good with coffee. He measured everything evenly and precisely, not even batting an eye as the hot coffee came close to burning him a few times.

Craig wasn’t sure how he did it, but there was his coffee. Finished making it, Tweek screeched out the order and Craig went to grab it. Tweek did a double take when he came to counter, but didn’t question it, heading towards the back.

He heard a muffled “Dad—can I go now?”

A few more muffled words were exchanged and Craig took a sip of the coffee—it was actually quite good. Bittersweet, but good.

A couple minutes later, Tweek emerged, hanging up his apron on the rack and struggling to straighten his shirt.

Craig coughed and Tweek jerked, looking in his direction.

“Uh… hey.”

“Gah! Hi?”

“We—I mean—you’re Tweek right?”

“Y-yeah? Why do you want to know? Are you part of the government!? Are you here to—Ahhh!”

Craig took a step forward towards Tweek to which he shuffled back.

Aaaaaand all the patrons were staring. Great, just what he needed.

“No. I’m from your school. We’re going to a movie tonight. I was wondering if you wanted to go together,” Craig sighed, looking away.

“Oh…. Oh yeah, you’re the new kid aren’t you?”

“Craig.”

“Craig, right. Um… I don’t know. I don’t know you— but I mean—“ 

“Tweek, is everything alright?” Mr. Tweak peeked his head back in from the back. 

“Y-yeah, Dad. I’m fine. I’m just nnnnnngh!” 

Mr. Tweak laughed, “Alright, if you’re sure. Have a good time at the movies, son!” 

“Kay!” Tweek looked over to Craig, suspiciously, “Alright, we can go together—“ 

“Kay.” 

“—But I’m keeping an eye on you man!” Tweek skittered past him, keeping eye contact the entire time as he exited the store.

Craig just looked on and shrugged, following Tweek.

Catching up to him, eventually, he continued drinking his coffee until he felt a small buzz. Maybe trying caffeine for the first time today wasn’t the best idea.

Eventually, they made it to the theater and Token and Clyde waved to them as they approached. Token shot Craig a knowing glance before Craig could notice.

“Hey, you made it!” Clyde smiled, patting Craig on the back, “And Tweek too. How’s it hanging, man?”

“Fine I –nnngh—guess?” Tweek twitched, looking around shiftily. “Where’s everyone else?”

“Oh, they haven’t shown up yet. We’re here early because we wanted to get good seats,” Clyde explained, “We have to save seats so we can all sit together!”

“You mean, so you can sit next to Kevin, right?” Token laughed. 

“Why do you always have to bring that up?” Clyde whined, smacking Token’s arm. 

“Because you are too obvious with your crushes,” Token explained. 

“Am not!” Clyde sputtered, “I mean—I do not! Do not like him… like that.” 

Craig looked between the two of them confused, while Tweek just laughed under his breath.

“Right, suuuuuure. Anyway, let’s head in so we can actually get seats then,” Token snickered, heading into the theater.

“Hey, we’re not done!” Clyde complained, following him in.

The ticket taker just looked bored and yawned, looking at Tweek and Craig.

“You two gonna buy tickets or not?”

“Ahh! Oh, uh, yeah. One for Star Wars please.”


	5. Chapter 5

Craig couldn’t help but notice the completely infatuated looks Kevin was giving the screen from when the movie started to when it ended. He also couldn’t help but notice the goo-goo eyes Clyde was giving Kevin. Boy, the kid had it bad. Craig was glad he wasn’t _his_ guardian angel. There’s not much he could do there besides maybe slapping him upside the head and telling him to just go for it already.

Craig turned his attention to the present and towards Tweek, who seemed to be content, actively talking about the movie with Jimmy and Jason. Bradley had already left for home— as had a couple of the others— leaving Craig with Clyde, Token, and Kevin.

Clyde snapped his fingers in front of Craig’s face, to which he nearly jumped.

“Hey, earth to space-cadet,” Clyde joked, “I know we just saw Star Wars, but we still expect you to be here on Earth.”

“Sorry. I was just thinking.”

“Don’t hurt yourself.”

Craig simply smacked Clyde upside the head.

“Ow—asshole.”

Craig smirked. Maybe now he would stop being such a dumbass.

Kevin laughed slightly, and patted Clyde’s shoulder, consolingly. God they were _so gay_.

Craig shrugged before nodding towards Token, glancing towards Clyde and Kevin and back at him. Token got the meaning and nodded.

“Hey guys,” Token offered, “Craig and I are going to get something to eat.”

Clyde perked up at this.

“But, you’re not invited so fuck off.”

Clyde flipped Token off.

“Fine then, me and Kevin will eat somewhere else. By...” Clyde drifted off.

“By ourselves,” Kevin finished for him, nodding. Poor kid seemed completely oblivious. Craig was far from a genius when it came to love—he wasn’t a cupid of the Lord by any means—but even he could see that those two alone together was going to get really awkward, really quick.

Clyde shot daggers at Token before rolling his eyes, storming off.

“Come on Kevin, let’s leave these assholes.”

Kevin chased after him, leaving Token and Craig in the dust. Tweek noticed the sour mood Clyde was in, and glanced confusedly towards Craig and Token. Token simply shrugged and gave a sheepish grin.

Tweek, Jimmy, and Jason migrated towards the two of them.

“What was that about, you two?” Jason asked in his nasal tones.

“Yeah,” Jimmy agreed, “Clyde seemed r-really up-upset.”

“Just helping things along,” Token grinned.

“Oh _God_ are you trying to get the two of them together, again?” Tweek asked, exasperated.

“You know those two are hopeless. Kevin is too shy to say anything and Clyde is too far in denial for him to even think of asking Kevin out,” Jason agreed.

He was _really_ glad he wasn’t his guardian angel. He would get so frustrated watching that display. 

“Then I guess we’ll have to give them a push in the right direction,” Token settled. 

Nope. Nope nope nope. Craig was not going to get involved. 

“Are you crazy, man?” Tweek exclaimed, “We’re not matchmakers, we can’t just _decide_ whether or not they should get together.”

“Tweek’s right,” Craig nodded, “If anything’s going to happen it has to be without our intervention.”

Boy, he felt like a hypocrite. But whatever, he wasn’t a cupid or anything like that. Love intervention was not his job. He didn’t want it to be his job.

“Yeah, let’s just leave it a-alone, fellas,” Jimmy stuttered, “Why don’t w-we just hang out at Token’s p-place instead?”

“Why my place?”

“Because y-you’ve got the best videogames, Token. Uh, duh.”

“All in favor, say aye,” Jason raised his hand.

“Aye.” The chorus, minus Token, resounded.

“Do I get a choice in this?” Token sighed.

“Nope,” Jason grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short transition chapter before the next Stolovan-centric one :3c


	6. Chapter 6

Kevin was starting to feel like Clyde didn’t want him around. They decided to stop by an IHOP and while Kevin was trying his hardest to make conversation, Clyde just seemed disinterested or just plain frustrated.

Kevin didn’t think that he was that bad of a person to be around. Sure, Cartman always had issues with his Star Wars and Star Trek obsession, but that was Cartman. He always had issues with everyone for anything.

But this was Clyde, and Kevin liked Clyde. Clyde was a sweet guy. He was funny, good-natured—a bit of a crybaby, sure—but it just added to his charismatic nature. Kevin thought that Clyde deserved more credit than he got. He was often seen as the ‘normal’ kid, the kid that just wasn’t quirky like the rest of the town. But Kevin thought that was endearing in its own way.

But, it didn’t seem Clyde liked him at all. If the way he reacted towards Token leaving them alone together was anything to go by. He wondered if Cartman was right, if there was something wrong with his nerdy interests.

Clyde was still deciding what to order when Kevin coughed to get his attention. His eyes flitted up towards Kevin, before looking away, with a frown.

“You know just because we weren’t invited to hang out with Token, doesn’t mean you have to hang out with me,” Kevin frowned.

“Huh?” Clyde look genuinely confused. Kevin sighed.

“I know you don’t think I’m that cool of a guy or whatever. But you don’t have to humor me because you pity me or something like that.”

“Dude, what,” Clyde shook his head, “What gave you that impression?”

“Well, because this entire time you’ve been trying your hardest _not_ to talk to me,” Kevin muttered.

“Oh,” Clyde winced, “Sorry I’m just… thinking.”

“You don’t have to make excuses, we haven’t ordered yet. I can just go,” Kevin offered.

Clyde was alarmed.

“No, no, no! I don’t want you to leave, dude!” Clyde shook his hands back and forth, nervously, “I just, y’know…!”

“No, I don’t know Clyde,” Kevin leaned back in the booth, “You don’t want to be seen with me? What if Cartman hears and makes fun of you?” Kevin offered bitterly.

Clyde groaned, putting his head in his hands.

“No, dude, that’s not it at all,” came the muffled response.

“Then, what Clyde?” Kevin challenged.

“I just…” Clyde lifted his head from his hands, shoving them into his front jacket pockets.

“I just am mad at Token and I’m taking it out on you. I’m sorry.”

Kevin remained silent, but sighed and nodded.

“Alright, whatever. That’s not the reason but at least you apologized.”

Clyde ran a hand through his hair and looked away guiltily.

“Yeah, I know. But the real reason would upset you more than those other reasons,” Clyde murmured, sadly.

Kevin raised his eyebrows, “Do you _hate_ me?”

“Woah, woah! No, dude, not at all,” Clyde was quick to deny. He laughed nervously, “I just think you wouldn’t like me much anymore if you knew. You might not even want to be friends anymore.”

“I can’t really think of a reason I would do that,” Kevin offered, “Besides you actually genuinely disliking me.”

Clyde flashed a small sincere smile, “Well you don’t have to worry about that one, dude.”

Kevin’s breath caught in his throat, before he smiled in return. Damn Clyde and his charisma. Kevin was tempted to forgive him already for being an asshole.

“Alright, I think I know what I want, now.”

They waited for the waiter to come over and take their order and idle chatter ensued again, this time of a more pleasant nature.

Finishing dinner, Clyde decided to pay for Kevin because “I was being an ass, so I owe you one for not just ditching.”

Exiting the diner, Kevin cleared his throat, “Did you… want to come over to my place to play videogames? I have Smash 4 with Cloud now.”

“Hey, I’d love to! I’m gonna kick your ass though. I play a mean Robin.”

“Pfft, you _would_ play Robin.”

\---- 

Clyde had a great time playing against Kevin, even though he lost more often than he won. Kevin wouldn’t admit he actually went easy on Clyde, because he was too cute when he won.

Clyde decided to accept Kevin’s invitation to stay over. He was due a cool sleepover every once in awhile. Besides, it was the weekend. He called his dad and, while his dad was the only one who he admitted he had a crush on a guy to, his dad was very accepting about it.

If only he hadn’t said very loudly over the phone ‘Be safe and use protection if it comes to that.’

“Alright, kay, bye Dad!” He nearly screeched into the phone and quickly hung up.

Kevin was just quietly giggling on top of his bed. He had a really cute laugh. Goddammit that sounded really gay.

“Ugh, sorry, my dad is really embarrassing sometimes,” Clyde apologized, his face beet red.

“It’s all right, Clyde, my mom can be just as bad,” Kevin reassured, his laughter calming down, “Anyway, I’m going to go to sleep already. You can stay up if you want, but I’m really tired.”

“Oh. Okay. I might stay up and browse the Internet on your computer if that’s okay?”

“Sure, sure, just don’t go on any porn sites, kay?”

“I’ll use protection if I do.”

“Pfft. Good night Clyde,” Kevin rolled over with a smile. 

 ----

He wasn’t sure when it happened, but Kevin woke up from someone poking him. He turned to look at Clyde, who was wide-eyed and staring at him.

“Clyde,” his voice was rough from sleep, “What is it?”

And then Clyde kissed him and his mind went blank.


	7. Chapter 7

“You did _what?”_

Craig was beside himself with anger. Yes, he knew that cupids were mischievous bunches, but to hit someone he knew was something else. 

“Hey, hey, Craig, as if you wouldn’t have done the same.” 

“No. I wouldn’t have,” Craig rubbed his eyes, irritated. He wondered why she had contacted him though a dream, and now he knew why. She wanted to show off about a ‘perfect match’ she had made.

“Sure, sure. I’m honestly sure that given the situation with these two hopeless nerds that you wouldn’t give them the push they needed.”

“No, because they’re my _friends_ , Red! That is exactly why you shouldn’t have done that. Now, they’ll be suspicious that something happened.”

“Please, you’re overreacting and being way too paranoid,” She examined her perfectly manicured nails, upset that Craig didn’t see how great her work was. 

“Besides, who would believe some crazy story that cupids actually exist? People don’t believe in that stuff anymore, Craig. They hardly believe in _you_ anymore,” Red huffed, jabbing Craig with a finger.

Craig glared daggers.

“People still believe in us. People will get suspicious. That’s all there is to it.”

“Auuugh! Well, there’s no reversing it, so why don’t you be a drama queen somewhere else?” 

“You’re in _my dream_ , Red! If anyone should leave, it’s you!” Craig felt like pulling his hair out at this point.

“Fine! Maybe I will!” And just like that, she poofed out of existence.

Craig woke up with a gasp, bolting up in bed.

“Ugh. What a brat,” he murmured to himself, checking the alarm clock next to him. 6:30 AM. He sighed, softly. No point in trying to fall asleep for thirty more minutes. He might as well get up.

* * *

 

School was awkward. No, it was beyond awkward. It was suffocating with tension. You could practically slice it with a knife it was so dense.

Speaking of dense…

“Hey, Clyde,” Craig greeted his friend, who sat next to him at the lunch table.

“Oh, uh, hey Craig,” Clyde muttered. He picked at his food with a fork, not bothering to actually eat.

“Wow, you’re acting weird today?” Token noticed, ignorant of the situation, “Usually you love chicken nugget day.”

“Yeah… whatever I guess,” Clyde frowned. He glanced over to the right and frowned deeper, before stabbing a nugget with a fork.

“Woah, dude, what’s gotten into you?” Token asked, concerned.

“Nothing.”

Craig glanced to the right when Clyde wasn’t paying attention. Of course. Kevin was sitting with his nerdier friends instead.

What had happened? Ugh. Stupid Red.

He was only cheered up slightly when Tweek entered, looking a little less sleep deprived than normal.

“Hey, Tweek,” Craig smiled as Tweek took a seat across from him.

“H-hey Craig,” Tweek answered. For some reason, after hanging out him last night, Tweek was more at ease now with him—which was a blessing for Craig.

Now, he just had to convince him to help him.

“Not sitting with Cartman and them?” He asked, curious. 

“No, Cartman said that I couldn’t sit with them today,” Tweek admitted.

“Oh…why?”

“Ngh—because I saw a movie and didn’t invite him. He said that I was a t-traitor,” he twitched slightly.

Yet, he didn’t look too anxious about this. That was a good sign.

“Well, if you ask me, you shouldn’t hang around that fatass anyway,” Token admitted.

“W-well it’s not like I want to hang around _Cartman_ , he just sort of comes with hanging out with Kyle, Stan, and Kenny,” Tweek shrugged.

Well, that made things a bit easier for Craig. Sort of. Those three were alright kids, but if Tweek didn’t actually like Cartman, then it shouldn’t be too hard to get him to leave the group for good.

Maybe have some actual friends that cared about him. Like Craig.

Or uh… Clyde or something. Not specifically having to be Craig. Since he’d have to leave eventually to go back to heaven. Yep.

“Yeah, I getcha,” Clyde spoke up, “Cartman can be a real ass. But, the other three aren’t terrible once you get past their weird adventures.”

“Oh god, don’t remind me,” Tweek moped, “I always have to go on those, it’s too much pressure.”

Yes, this was a good step. Craig could work with this.


	8. Chapter 8

“Hey, Craig!”

He didn’t expect Tweek to approach him the next day. This was not part of his plan at all.

“Oh, hey Tweek. What’s up?” He was curious as to what Tweek could possibly need, considering he still hardly strayed away from Kyle and that lot. 

“I was just wondering-” He twitched and bit his lip before continuing “- if you wanted to come to this party that Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are holding? Token said he'll host it!”

Craig raised an eyebrow, “Cartman isn’t helping?” 

Tweek shook his head rapidly, and Craig was surprised that he didn’t get whiplash from the movement.

“No, he went to Denver with his mom for his birthday. He was going to spend it by himself,” Tweek grinned, “That’s why we’re having a party without him!” 

“That sounds like it’ll work out well,” Craig drawled, convinced of the exact opposite.

“Ngh--! Well, it’s not as if he can do anything about it,” Tweek frowned, “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to, dude.”

“No! No,” Craig was quick to interject before maintaining his composure, “I’ll come.”

“Cool,” Tweek nodded with a smile, “You can go ahead and invite who you want too- Kyle and Stan said the more people there are, the more pissed off Cartman will be.”

With that, he turned and quickly walked off, presumably looking for more people to invite.

Well, at least he had an in now. Without a lot of work either. Not too bad, actually.

 

* * *

 

The party was next weekend and Craig arrived about an hour late. As much as he wanted to be fashionably late, so as to keep up his appearance, he actually didn’t do so on purpose.

He was caught up in conversation with Red and then returning to the mortal plane that he hadn’t noticed the time until it was forty minutes past the starting time.

“Hey, Craig... didn’t think you would show,” Stan nodded to him as he entered. 

He nodded back, deciding not to comment.

He thought he heard Stan whisper something about him being ‘stoic and rude’ that he promptly ignored.

He was here to find Tweek and do… something. He hadn’t figured that part out yet. 

Before he could spot the blonde anywhere, Clyde was pulling him to the side with an arm around his shoulders, steering him away from the main party.

“Craig, dude, I need your help.”

Craig knew where this was headed, and as much as he felt sympathetic for his friend (and Red’s intervention pissed him off), he needed to find his charge.

“Clyde-” He tried to start, but Clyde was already blabbering out something about Kevin and how he _missed him_ and _wanted to apologize_ , but he _wouldn’t talk to him_.

Craig sighed heavily. Right, okay.

“Clyde, just talk to him, now. There’s no way he can avoid you here. Just… I don’t know? Be honest and tell him how you feel. Or something. I don’t know- look okay- I’m busy.”

Clyde raised an eyebrow, “You just got here, how can you be busy already?”

Craig just shrugged off Clyde’s arm and made a beeline into the crowd of teenagers. It wasn’t until another thirty minutes in that Craig spotted Tweek talking with Jimmy and Token. Interesting.

This gave him an opportunity as he quickly made his way over to the trio and took a seat next to Token.

“Oh hey man,” Token greeted politely. Tweek and Jimmy gave a respective nod and Jimmy went back to telling Tweek about his exploits at the local comedy club.

 “That’s really cool, dude,” Tweek complemented.

“Th-thanks, Tweek,” Jimmy smiled before turning to Craig, “So, y-you’re late. Wh-what happened?”

“Yeah, we were thinking you wouldn’t come,” Token agreed, “You’re not exactly punctual, but not like this.”

Craig shrugged, “I got caught up in family drama.” 

It wasn’t exactly a lie either. Red was like family to him and she was starting drama that he had to deal with here on Earth.

“Oh man, that sucks,” Tweek frowned.

“I guess. It’s just what it is,” Craig smoothly played it off. Tweek continued to frown but accepted the answer nonetheless.

The conversation passed very naturally between the four, and it wasn’t until Kenny made an announcement over the crowd- taking off his muffling hoodie for once- that there was going to be a round of seven minutes in heaven that they stopped and drifted over.

Seven minutes in heaven was the very opposite of what Craig felt heaven was like. All it involved was two people kissing in a closet for seven minutes.

But, if Tweek was involved he had to follow. Poor kid might have a breakdown if he was paired with a stranger.

So, Craig sat in the circle as the bottle was spun. He was starting to get bored until the bottle landed next to Tweek. Tweek started and he could spot a dots of perspiration on his forehead. Tweek was next to spin the bottle.

Craig was prepared for this part. He may be holy, but he wasn’t above cheating if it meant helping Tweek. Craig concentrated as the bottle spun, taking control of the movements with his intervention.

It slowed to a perfect stop on him.

Tweek looked about ready to pass out.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey welcome to the gay

For a rich kid’s house, this closet was way too cramped. Weren’t they supposed to have walk-in closets with hundreds upon hundreds of storage rooms? This was like half of a room. And that was being generous. 

Craig’s eyes finished flitting around the small coat closet to land on the small blonde in front of him. Tweek was doing a spectacular job of pretending he was a human mannequin with how stiff he was. The only difference being his constantly shaking body and eyes that were determined to look everywhere but Craig. Not that there was much to see anyway since the room wasn’t even lit up with any sort of light.

 

Ah, wait.

 

Craig’s eyes slowly gravitated up to the long cord dangling from above the two. A singular light bulb hung from the ceiling, precariously swinging about. Classy. 

‘You would think someone with their own home security system could afford better lighting… or at least something that wasn’t an obvious fire hazard...,’ Craig mulled to himself, ‘Whatever.’

 

Click.

 

As soon as the dim light buzzed on above, Tweek let out a loud squeak and yelp combo. Clearly startled, his eyes twitched and blinked until they adjusted to the sudden light source. Someone outside let out a wolf whistle, clearly taking Tweek’s screech as a good sign. 

“Hey, it’s cool man,” Craig was quick to reassure, “I just don’t want my eyes to get messed up once we open the door after being in the dark for seven minutes.”

“O-oh right. Yeah that’s fair,” Tweek conceded, but still refused to look at Craig, able to distract himself better with the collection of coats and shoes now that the light was on.

Craig decided he might as well play along. He had only stepped in so Tweek wouldn’t have to deal with someone randomly macking on him. That would do nothing but increase Tweek’s anxiety exponentially. Besides, it was as good of a time as any to hang out with Tweek one-on-one... no matter how awkward the circumstances were.

“You would think -” “Gah!”  ”- that people who could afford cashmere coats and designer brand shoes would splurge a little on lighting this closet up better,” Craig deadpanned, ignoring the small scream Tweek had let out during his sentence.

Tweek blinked before squinting at Craig, confused, clearly trying to process what Craig just said. 

“Oh… uh yeah,” Tweek finally squeaked out, “I-I guess? Token’s family is really nice but I kind of get intimidated sometimes by how nicely they dress.”

Tweek paused before a small smile pulled at his cheek, “But I think that even seeing something like a single light bulb in a coat closet makes them seem more… approachable? That they're not perfect just because they have a lot of money.” 

Tweek frowned and trailed off, “I don't know… maybe that's just me?” Craig blinked, surprised, before smiling fondly down at Tweek.

“Yeah-” “Ngh!!” “-I think that's true,” Craig conceded.

“Money doesn't make anyone perfect, but it's easy to forget that sometimes,” Craig continued, “And not having money doesn't make you imperfect either.”

Craig smirked, “Even if Kenny may make it seem otherwise.”

Tweek snorted and muffled a laugh, “Dude, come on man, that's mean.”

“You laughed,” Craig pointed out cheekily.

“Yeah, well whatever dude,” Tweek tried to bury his grin unsuccessfully and elbowed Craig in retaliation, prompting a surprised laugh from the taller boy.

“Fuck you don't laugh!” Tweek giggled uncontrollably, “I'm trying to defend my friend’s honor here!”

“Ah yes, you must defend the honor of the Great Pervert, ruler of the land of dirty tissues!” Craig teasingly egged Tweek on, “What will you do, oh Coffee Warrior?”

“What are we samurais now?” Tweek snorted amusedly, pushing Craig away as far as possible in the cramped closet space.

“Coffee Warrior, what are you talking about? You cannot deceive me! You have traveled many lands to defeat me and defend your Great Pervert-sama-san-senpai!”

“Oh my god, you're such a nerd dude, quit it!” Tweek laughed, shaking his head at Craig’s ridiculous dialogue. 

“Nice try! You may call me names all you want Coffee Warrior, but-! I cannot be defeated by insults alone!” Craig was grinning more broadly than ever as Tweek was trying not to lose his cool from the silliness of the situation.

Shoulders shaking from holding back laughter, Tweek finally gave in, “Hat Shogun-!” “Oh my god no-” “You cannot win this fight! I will defend the honor of the Great Pervert or die honorably in battle!” Craig almost doubled over in breathless laughter.

“Ver-” Craig cleared his throat “-very well, Coffee Warrior! Prepare to do battle with me-- The Almighty Hat Shogun: God of Winter Coats and Knit Sweaters!” 

“Dude you can't just add on to your title! That's cheating!” Tweek chided, sticking his tongue out. 

“Of course I can, Coffee Warrior: Lord of Mugs and Overpriced Lattes!” 

“Hey, fuck you, man!” Tweek laughed, lunging the short distance at Craig to headbutt him.

Craig laughed and caught Tweek’s head in a headlock, prompting the caffeinated teen to try to push and flail away from Craig’s grip.

“You are caught now, Coffee Warrior: Lord of Mugs, Overpriced Lattes, and Burnt Muffins-!” “Hey! Rude!” “Prepare for your punishment!” Craig laughed and began to noogie Tweek’s head roughly as Tweek laughed and began to flail harder, trying to free himself.

“Ow! Come on, Craig you dick!” 

“Who is this Craig you speak of?” 

“You asshole!” Tweek’s flailing eventually became strong enough to knock Craig off balance, causing the two to topple over haphazardly, taking a line of Chanel coats with them.

“Ow fuck!”

They landed with a loud thump on the floor as designer coats fell on top of them in a tangled mess. They both groaned at the painful landing while the door suddenly creaked open.

“Hey... are you guys… okay?” Stan’s voice rang out to the two who let out muffled groans of agreement in response. 

“Uh… alright, well the seven minutes aren't technically up so…?”

“We’ll leave just... give us a moment,” Craig’s voice came through, muted slightly by the wool sweater tangled over his head.

“Uh, right okay.”

Stan shuffled away, leaving the door slightly ajar.

“Oof,” Craig yanked the sweater off of his head as he sat up, rubbing his sore back. Tweek followed suit, pushing a couple coats off of himself. He stood up shakily before offering a hand to Craig. Craig smiled and took it, Tweek’s grip surprisingly strong as he was helped to his feet.

“Sorry about that, Tweek. I got a little carried away there.”

“Are you kidding me, man?” Tweek chuckled, “That was probably the most fun I've had in over a week!” 

“Two minutes locked in a closet with me and you're already swooning? I'm flattered,” Craig smirked teasingly. 

“Shut up man, you know what I mean,” Tweek grinned, dusting himself off.

“No need to deny it, I know I'm irresistible,” Craig simpered, holding the door open wider for Tweek. Tweek rolled his eyes and began to walk out.

“Yeah yeah…” He paused suddenly as Craig began to follow him, “I think you're right though.”

Craig blinked, “Huh?” 

Tweek turned to him slowly, “You cannot be defeated by insults alone.”

 

“...What?”

 

Tweek quickly pushed Craig backward into the closet hard enough to launch Craig back into the coat pile before quickly slamming the door shut behind him.

“Hey!”

Tweek smiled, self-satisfied, as he walked away from Craig’s yells of betrayal and indignation.

After a long and difficult battle, The Great Coffee Warrior: Lord of Closets and Party Games... had finally triumphed over the Evil Hat Shogun: God of Tangled Coats and Dusty Sweaters.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote most of this on my phone during Nebraskon whoops. I'm going to try and write more frequently but we'll see what happens...  
> (next chapter will focus on Clyde and Kevin most likely)


End file.
